The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
