I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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