she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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