dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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