My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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