i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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