i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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