I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
