just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
