you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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