If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
