I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
