don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
