I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
