in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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