I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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