When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You did what with his pubic hair?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
