the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
