Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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