WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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