I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
