I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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