Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
a search helicopter?!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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