ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
