my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dear god my vagina.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
