Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
