I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
