I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
