I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
