I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
