All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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