Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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