I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
