i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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