So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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