genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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