I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
