Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she told me i tasted like america
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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