Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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