I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
