I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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