I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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