Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
