I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
