New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
