I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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