So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
