It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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