Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Congratulations! We have a period
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
