You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
